The Bigger The Better/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, as I get older, I find that my reflexes are really slowing down and my reaction time to, say, an approaching brick or a propane fireball is really too slow to be effective. So what was happening is I'm getting a lot of head injuries, and I'm afraid it's going to start ammenting me fectally -- I mean, affect -- no, that's right, ammenting me fectally. Ow! So here's a cheap, easy way to protect what just recently has become the most important part of your body... Your brain. Get yourself one of these inflatable kids' life rings. You can just grab this off any kid, but don't be a bully, make sure it's a kid who can swim. This life ring is going to become my brain bag. I'm just letting the air out of it so I can fill it with, that's right, shaving cream. It's kind of like an air bag but I'm not an air head, so I'm using shaving cream. I mean you could use whipped cream, but I want to survive close shaves. I don't want to get whipped or creamed. See, I still got my sense of humour. It hasn't ammented me fectally. Okay, I've connected the shaving cream to the life ring by going through this motion detector. Now, if anything approaches my head, the detector will fill the life ring with shaving cream and cushion my melon so that nothing can bean me. Here, let me know you. Let's say I was putting in a supporting wall and some of the duct tape let go... Sorry, instinct. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. A bit of a setback up at the lodge this week. The town of port asbestos has come up with a new tourist attraction, the world's biggest marshmallow. This thing is huge. They've got it mounted on display on the top of a hill, 90 feet in the air. I mean, you can see it for miles. So everybody's going there instead of coming here. Now, I know it shouldn't bother us because in canada everybody's nice, you know. I think some days I'm just not that canadian. [ cheers and applause ] hello. Care for a port asbestos marshmallow? No, and quit helping the enemy! They're not the enemy. They created attraction for the whole area. See my cool shirt? Yeah, harold, you do have a soft spot, but the sign is two feet low. You shouldn't be jealous. You should congratulate them on a very successful tourism campaign. Well, okay, I'll tell you what, they've made the world's biggest marshmallow, we'll have the world's biggest bonfire and toast 'em. How's that? [ giggling ] hey, I think you just said something smart. Really? Yeah I know, I'm as shocked as you are but... That's what we should do. We should have the world's biggest something. Well, you're the world's biggest something, but nobody would pay to see it. Anyway, we don't have anything here, harold, and port asbestos just lucked out, finding that huge marshmallow. It's not a real marshmallow, uncle red. Did you not see where they put it? Well, yeah, on that hill where the water tower used to be. It must have cost a fortune to move that, eh? That is the water tower. They just painted it to look like a marshmallow. Well, that's not going to fool anybody. Uncle red, that's what we need to do. We need to paint our water tower to look like an attraction of some sort. Like what? I don't know maybe something medical. It looks like a... Umm... A suppository. Oh, yeah, sure, great idea. The world's largest suppository and we live where they stuck it. Oh yeah. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives a free savings account at possum lake savings & loan, where you don't get any of our loans and we get all of your savings. All right, dalton, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton humphreys to say this word... All right, winston. And go! All right, dalton, you have your wallet, your wife has her... Hand out. Okay, no, but she carries her money in her... Tight little fist. No, no, this is something your wife always carries with her. A grudge? Okay, no. This is something a woman gets everything in. A divorce! Okay, no, okay, okay. A french woman calls this her porte monnaie, but an english woman calls it her... No, no, no! Okay, dalton, a woman never goes to the powder room without her... Friend? Okay, okay. This is something that women have, okay? Sometimes they have shoulder straps and they can be bulky, it might be made of leather, or it might even bulge out at the seams. It's called a... Halter top. No, no, no. Red, almost out of time, here. Yeah, okay. Okay, dalton, where does your wife keep her credit cards? She hides them where she knows I won't look. And where is that? On her person. Yes? Yes! Yes! Dalton: You know the great thing about fishing? It's the sounds. Red: Amen. Nobody talking at you, you know, jabbering on and on complaining about everything the way my daughter does as if, you know, whatever happened there's always a kerfuffle about it. You know, it's like the end of the world because she dropped her mascara in the toilet and now she has to go a whole day without painting those count dracula lines around her eyes. Forget that maybe there are bigger issues in the world than, you know, her eyelashes! Of course, she's been so spoiled and catered to all her life, dalton! Dalton! I just get sick -- dalton! What!? What's so great about fishing? Oh. Yeah, right. Mike: Besides, you should be saying this to your daughter not to us. Dalton: I can't talk to her, she won't listen to me. You don't talk to her, she doesn't need to. You know, parenting is one of the most difficult things you'll ever do. It's next to unlocking an atm. My parents were great. I should call them sometimes. Well, my parents lied to me. They pretended they had a happy marriage, so I wanted to try it. Thanks a lot. Well, I had quite a few dads so I saw a lot of different parenting approaches. Ignoring me was the most common one. But there were a few of them who took the time to pass on life skills. I think it's called aiding and abetting. Well, my parents were pretty strict, you know. I was a pretty miserable child, not the happy-go-lucky guy you know. Red: Boy, my parents weren't. They let me do anything I wanted. Mike: Well, that just goes to show you, parents can do anything and they'll screw it up. Yeah, I think the truth is nobody knows how to be a good parent. You just try to let your kid know that you care about them, and do the best you can. You know, that might be the wisest thing you've ever said. Gimme five. Ha! Who's your daddy? I have no idea. [ applause ] you know, one of the worst problems you can have on a car is lousy brakes. A brake job is expensive so naturally, I have a better idea. We had some relatives stay with us last weekend. I'll spare you the grisly details, but I did end up taking them to the airport nine hours before their flight, and they didn't mind. But I noticed that when the planes come in they have these flaps that they use to help slow them down when they're landing. Like junior singleton does with his ears when he's skiing. They're big flaps that kind of pop out of the body and slow the plane down. Old man sedgwick had something pop out of his body, sure slowed him down. But that got me thinking, can we add big flaps to a car? How would we do that? If flaps are good enough for an f-18 or a f-16, they're good enough for a f-o-r-d. But we need more than just the hood to open so hook up a couple of clothes line pulleys and run a rope from the hood ornament down to each of your doors and even the trunk lid. Okay, are there any more flaps on this car? Too bad it doesn't have a sunroof. Hmm... [ chuckles ] okay, my new air brakes are going to bring the car to a screeching halt. Okay, well maybe not screeching because it's air, but I'll be able to stop to the sound of the wind I've made. That's not right. Anyway, you can see how easy it is to make your own, fancy, environmentally-friendly way to stop your car. When it comes to making your own brakes, don't let anybody stop ya'. Whatever... Remember, if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my lunch or I should say, my lunch brake. [ cheers and applause ] men have a reputation for not being very good communicators, but you'll never hear us say that. Oh sure, we're not always too good at expressing our feelings. But if we're planning to actually do something, you always hear about it. For instance, when a guy gets up from the table to go to the bathroom, he never just quietly excuses himself. He tries to keep everybody up to speed by saying, a gotta take a wiz. Loud enough to be heard by everyone at the table and ideally the entire restaurant. Now, he doesn't have to do this, no one asked him to, but he does it out of common courtesy just in case you think he's leaving to invade turkmanistan. However, one area of communication men excel at is letting you know how they feel. Not emotionally of course, let's be real, you know. I'm talking about how we're feeling physically, especially if it's bad. If a guy has a bad back, bad cramps, bad ache or bad gas... You're going to hear about it. We're good communicators. We're just really bad listeners. They should criticize us for that, or maybe they did. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. At rothschild's, we take full responsibility for your septic system. The suck stops here. Well, we've all been wracking our brains trying to think of something we could make that would be the biggest one in the world. Possum lake qualifies as the world's largest stagnant pond, not too many merchandising opportunities there... Maybe mosquito repellent or something. Now, harold's working on the world's largest roll of duct tape but that's a man's project so I'm sure he's having problems. Uncle red? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm losing all the hair on my knuckles. Oh yeah, how about your palms? [ chuckles ] I don't think it's a very good idea. No, no, although if tourists do come up here, they'll never leave. The world's largest fly strip. Don't worry about it, harold, I've got the answer. This is a scale model of the kind of silos we have all around the area here. We just paint these up and call it like, the world's largest nail or something. Oh, I know. I've got an idea. The ladies will love this. What? The world's biggest lipstick. Well, yeah, yeah, and you could stand beside it and we'd have the world's biggest lipstick and the world's biggest dipstick. Uncle red, you know we have these creative sessions. You're supposed to be sensitive to the feelings of others. Oh yeah? Okay, here's what we're doing, harold. I'm thinking we paint all the silos all different colours, okay, and we call them the world's biggest crayons, eh? The kids'll love it, the parents'll love it. What about seniors? Well, they hate everything. They'll just come up and complain, you know. Hey, gramps, c'mon up and see another stupid waste of money that would've never been allowed in your day. You know, that kind of thing. I think you're onto a real winner of an idea here. Pardon me? Wow, that was weird. Yeah, that's very weird. I like your idea. Oh, boy. I think we should do what you say. Wow. I know, that's... Okay, well... Let's go, I guess. Am I losing it? You never had it, harold. [ applause ] red: Mike had invited bill to come out a play squash. Bill had never played squash before and was not familiar with the game, but he had the sweatsuit on so mike got down to his shorts and... I'm not sure the bill knows how to get down to his -- that's not what we mean by -- that's unfortunate, there must have been a gravity spot there. Anyway, mike's got the outfit on. Bill, what are you wearing? Bill, what is that? No, that's not. There's something -- that's just wrong, you know. So, of course, mike has the regular squash racket. Bill doesn't know what a regular squash racket is so he apparently had brought a banjo. No, that's not... So he puts that aside for the moment. He did actually have a real squash racket. Now, mike puts the goggles on. Bill has -- what have you got there in your hand? It's an... Owww... That's an odd place to carry -- no, that's not where the racket goes, bill. Not at all, no. Now, again, when bill heard the word squash, he thought that you played with a real squash, which he had brought with him. No bill, no, that's not -- you play with a little, round... There, it's a little, round squash ball. Okay, so now they got to decide who's going to serve. Apparently what they do is they've got the label on one side and nothing on the other so you spin it and somebody picks it. Mike picked the label side. So bill spins the racket and away it fli -- and uhh... And mike just kicks it over, finally. Okay, so it's the other side so I guess that means bill's going to serve. So bill gets up, goes up there, comes back, mike volleys, no ball. Where's the ball? Where's the ball? It's in his racket. Okay. All right. Easy, easy easy. Okay, now it's mike's serve. He fires it up, high, comes down bounces below going up into his shorts. No, I hope that's not an injury. No, he's okay. Mike's going to hit it. Bill says no. Okay, the mark is still -- I'm not going to ask. It's none of my business. No, no, no, no. Moving right along. Okay, so where they go again. Nice couple of volleys here. Up and she goes and then mike volleys her back and -- on this one, got a little too close to the wall. Okay, now what. Oh, I know, the banjo. So he gets the banjo out. He serves her up there and then -- when mike swings, he hits the light switch. Okay, so now they're playing squash -- okay, now this is -- now, you know, you know. Okay, okay, this is wrong. This is -- ohh.... So bill comes over, flips the light on. Oh boy... And that see through outfit is not working for him at all. There's the ball and that's how squash got it's name. Remember when you got your vcr so you could tape all those shows you didn't have time to watch only to realize that you didn't have time to watch the tapes either? Of course now you've got a dvd. So what do you do with all your old tapes? Well, you could mail them to a friend. Just drop them into a bag and then seal them up with your new string dispenser. Or how about this one, a cassette clock? Just mount a clock motor on to one of the reels and then mark off the seconds, minutes and hours onto the tape with a white pen. The clock motor runs so slow that a 180-minute tape takes exactly 12 hours to get to the end, so then you just take the motor off one and move it over to the other reel and wind the whole thing back. I mean the numbers are going by outside-down but I'm sure you get used to it. Here's another one, here's a hint for you. You know, every cassette has a ratchet inside that stops the tape from slipping back the other way. Well, there's a button way down deep inside. If you can push that with something like a golf tee, it lets the tape come out freely. Have you figured it out yet? That's right... Okay, now for reeling her back in, use the window winder from the driver's side of a '62 chev belair. If you can't get a belair you could substitute a pontiac strato chief. Newer models might work too, if I owned one, I'd know for sure. Oh, I got one! Now, if you're left-handed you could just flip the rod over but you'd have to reel the other way so you'd need the window winder from the passenger side. Oh man, I've caught this fish before. It's a re-run. [ applause ] this brain storm of mine is going to put possum lake on the michelin guide. We're going to be the top tourist destination in the world. Oh sure, you can go to rome if you want to see the eiffel tower, but it you want to see the world's biggest crayons, you're going to have to come right here. Uncle red? Yeah? I'm here with bad news. Harold, you here is bad news. Well, you know this idea of painting the silo, how I couldn't think of anything that might go wrong? Yes. Well, I thought of something. Well it's too late, harold, the silos are all painted. See, that's the problem. Yeah, 'cause silos, they're usually silver to reflect the sun's heat, but now that since you've painted them and I'm guessing not white, right? Well, uh, no, green and brown and purple and flat black. Oh, flat black... Can you imagine the heat that's building up inside that silo? Well, so what? I mean, what's in them? Corn! [ explosions ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you know, you should get a head start. You may need extra butter. Wow. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I tried making the world's biggest crayons, and I came this close to being the world's biggest dufus. Thank goodness for harold. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge... Keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Sit down. Sit down back there. Meeting's coming to order, guys. Everybody's got to sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to... I guess. Okay men, the bad news is that until all the explosions have stopped, we're going to have to stay down here in the basement. The good news is, it's movie night. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com